In celebration of National Limericks Day (May 12, 2020), here are some limericks we received:
A fellow jumped off a high wall, 
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That’s why you don’t jump off a wall.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He’d ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn’t find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There once was a child in Spain,
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped,
And broke his hip,
Now he is in serious pain.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he’d knock me around,
If I didn’t stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
I’d rather have Fingers than Toes,
I’d rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I’m glad it’s all there,
I’ll be awfully sad, when it goes.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn’t fall in!
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don’t have a clue!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn’t so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I’d taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
I’m really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today,
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.
My dog is quite hip,
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench–well I,
Just painted it, right where you’re sitting.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
‘Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn’t — he died in the fall.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
I’ve done it — I’ve done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I’ve not used since the year I was born.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They’d been laid on a chair,
He’d forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue,
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate ‘er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That’s odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can’t guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn’t the Wizard he woz.
A woman who once heard a mouse
Ran screaming all throughout her house
She sent in the cat
To dispose of the rat
To find it was only her spouse.
So funny! Thank you for your limerick contributions!